


Tony Stark One-Shot Collection- Mental Health

by CursedFire



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-02-22 21:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13175316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CursedFire/pseuds/CursedFire
Summary: A collection of one-shots written about Tony Stark, dealing with mental health issues. Will be published when they're written.





	1. Depressive Episode

Tony Stark didn’t often think about the time he got kidnapped. It was difficult to remember, and often too painful to be worth it. He never gained anything out of it in fact other than the pain. He’d been through a lot of shit in recent years, and as much as it helped his deep rooted feelings of guilt to save so many lives, it also was causing a lot of mental strain. 

Tonight, Tony Stark did think about the time he got kidnapped. Sitting in bed was when his depression was the worst. People often thought him a charismatic, outgoing individual, but the truth was, there were two Tony Starks, and the one that everyone saw often wasn’t the real Tony. That was manic Tony. Sitting in the bed, alone, in the dark tonight, this was depressive Tony. Even Tony didn’t know who the real Tony was. He hadn’t been around in a good long while. 

Tony knew he was a terrible person. It took getting kidnapped- almost killed- for him to even notice how his actions affect others. He didn’t care that he was responsible for the deaths of possibly millions by the continuation of his father’s weapons business. Not until those very weapons turned on him. His change of heart was all based in self-preservation, not a care for others. 

Tony knew he was a terrible person. He was single-handedly responsible for the injury and death of innocent people through his vigilante justice and even the work with the Avengers on occasion. If not bodily harm, then the destruction of families’ property, shelter, and other necessities. 

Tony knew he was a terrible person. He constantly turned on friends, let his anger get the best of him. He’d fought with too many to count and it nearly cost him or his friends their lives. 

Tony knew he was a terrible person. Even when he decided to leave the weapons industry, he made his own personal weapon and shield. He made himself more powerful than anyone else. He was selfish. 

Tony knew he was a terrible person because these types of thoughts often kept him up at night. He was kept awake, haunted by his past actions. He couldn’t justify anything he did. 

And Tony knew he was a terrible person because he would wake up the next day and do the same impulsive destructive shit as always. Because he would wake up the next day and not regret anything. Because he would wake up the next day and be charismatic, happy, functional again. 


	2. Manic Tony

When Tony woke up, he knew he had one of his episodes the days previous. The amount of idiotic, impulsive, destructive things he regretted was proof of it. No normal person would blow millions of dollars, staying up night after night, creating an idiotic supersuit to solve their weapon problem. It’s the opposite of  a solution, but what did Tony do? Exactly that. 

He didn’t regret spending the money exactly- he had more of that than he knew what to do with- what he did regret was the logic- or rather, lack thereof- behind creating a weapon to solve his problems with weapons. Don’t like weapons? Create a bigger, badder weapon. Perfect Tony, perfect. A logic worthy of a man who graduated MIT at 17. 

When he gets in those moods, there’s no telling what he will do. Most people seek treatment far sooner when they blow that kind of money without thinking, but Tony was protected by his and his father’s enormous wealth. Pepper had been trying to encourage him to seek help, but the truth was, Tony had tried to get help many times before and it simply never worked. His dad saw the raw potential being ruined by the impulsive and reckless days, and saw that it was far beyond the explanation of simply being a teenage boy or young man. His father brought him to the best of the best, and none of them were able to fix this. He had bad reactions to so many medications as a young adult that he gave up trying. If they did manage to fix his mood problems, they caused so many other side effects that they weren’t worth it. 

The worst of them actually caused his hands to have a permanent tremor. It was supposed to go away when he stopped taking the medication, but of course he was the small percent with permanent tremors. It had been nearly 10 years now with them. He hid it from Pepper pretty well, but it would usually rear its head during his late night inventing.

One of his biggest regrets was his press conference after he created the suit. The press conference where he chose not to stick to the cards that SHIELD gave him. The one where he told the world that he was Iron Man. 

In hindsight, he’s surprised nobody figured it out sooner- who else had the resources to create a suit like that? But it took any small bit of privacy left in his life away. He had grown up being in a famous family and was accustomed to all eyes on him. He was used to it, and he knew how to balance it and find time for himself. Once he became Iron Man, for once, he was able to do things and nobody knew it was him. And yet, he took that away from himself. Nobody found out his identity. He revealed it, it was all on him. The only benefit to that was that he could actually take credit for saving people, which frankly disgusted him in it’s selfishness. He was trying to grow and improve himself, and yet he kept doing these things. 

The Tony that recognized these things was not in control though. The Tony that recognized these things was pleading, unheard, for manic Tony to stop 

Manic Tony blazed full steam ahead. He got and idea and he needed to follow through with it. It didn’t matter that it was 3am, he hadn’t eaten in 36 hours, or that it went against all logic. His suit needed this upgrade. It was vital. It was the most important thing he’d ever done in his life. He would never conceive of a better addition to his beloved suit. 

Pepper would come down often. It felt like she was harassing him, coming down every ten minutes. She always said “Tony, you haven’t stopped working in hours! You need to take care of yourself. Tony please, stop work for five minutes. Take a nap. Anything.” He never listened. This was more important. He had to finish. He was wide awake, he could do this forever. 

When he finished, he looked at the clock. It had been over two days. He had only stopped a couple times for the bathroom, and once when Pepper brought him a pizza (of which he only ate two pieces.) He hadn’t realised it had been so long, but he didn’t particularly care. Whatever it takes to complete his mission. 

Now he had to go use it. He had to go use his perfect new addition to his suit. 

Miniature flamethrower in the hands.

He had no idea when he’d use it. He had no idea whether it was useful or not. But he knew it was the most important addition, it was completely worth the money, he had to be able to find a use for it. Pepper said it was stupid and useless. He disagreed. 

Inside, deep inside where he couldn’t hear it, non-manic Tony was begging for control again. Begging to be able to live a healthy life.


	3. Pepper Understands

Tony tended to take critique to heart. It was one of the biggest flaws of internal Tony, and one that he resented the most. When he impulsively- stupidly- told the world he was Iron Man, he opened himself up to direct comments about his character, his actions, his creation. When he was expecting critique, he handled it with grace and dignity, without internalising everything. Press Conferences were like this; he knew what to expect and could make sure to tune his brain into the right channel. He had no issues addressing criticisms of his company, and they never bothered him on a personal level. However, what always got to him were the hatred-fueled comments attacking him as a person, almost always in reference to the actions of Iron Man. Whenever you amass any sort of fame, there will always be people waiting to tear you down and demonize you. They don’t see you as a human being, and they certainly don’t treat you like one; Tony was exhausted by the subhuman treatment.

Occasionally, he would find things about himself online. They would be reports on him with no regard to his human emotions, no regard for him as a person, no request for comment or explanation. And these are what got to Tony. He tried so hard to be a good person and make up for all of the death his father’s company- his company- had caused, and yet he was never going to be enough. 

The woman who was screaming online about how Tony crushed her car with no second thought, and offered no help to her as the single mother working two jobs who now couldn’t work? Claiming he was selfish, classist, and self-righteous? She never bothered to get in touch with him. The news site broadcasting her story? Never contacted him for comment or explanation- he wasn’t aware he was even being discussed until it was done. It sounds bad on paper like that from one party, but he had a story to tell too. The minute he was thrown onto that car, he wanted to find the owner to replace it, but considering he was then grabbed and launched four blocks over by the very enemy who threw him into the car in the first place, he didn’t exactly get to find out her name. He didn’t look for her afterwards because SHIELD told him they took care of it- actively barred him from searching her out in fact. Apparently they didn’t take care of it. There’s always two sides to a story and it pained him when he wasn’t able to share his, that so many people were getting a skewed image of who he was. He tried so hard to be a good person but the world didn’t care. 

It was in this self-loathing state, with the article pulled up on his big screen, that Pepper found him. He hadn’t been crying- he almost never cries- but he was about as close as Pepper had seen in a while. She had become familiar with his episodes throughout her employment with him and his company. Despite the flippant way he sometimes addressed her, they deeply cared for one another, and she was certainly the only person who knew what to do when Tony was in this state. When she saw the article on screen, she powered down the system and walked over to him quietly. She began tidying up the clutter around him, which was a couple soda cans, two stained coffee mugs, and a mysterious fork that didn’t belong to any dirty plate or trashed take-out container- he probably needed it to tinker with his suits. (He actually had taken it down here two months before, to spite her when she had complained about his hoarding of dirty forks when he ordered too much take-out in his lab. At the time it had been the last clean fork in the house.) 

“Hey Jarvis.” She called out.  
“Here to bother us like always, Ms. Potts?” The computer joked.  
“Cut on that playlist I made for Tony.” She dumped the cans in the recycling and placed the dirty dishes by the stairs to take up to the kitchen later.

“A great choice.” Jarvis responded, as a soft selection of music started. The music came from some of Tony’s favourite films as well as games designed by some of his childhood and college friends. He always found them relaxing. It wasn’t the sort of thing he normally listened to, which was exactly why it helped pull him out of his moods. They were all pieces he respected due to the passion his friends had poured into them. He often didn’t tell those people how much he respected and appreciated them; buying their products- whether games, soundtracks, or new tech- was how he showed his love. Expressing his care with words didn’t come naturally to him. 

Pepper understood that, which is why her actions spoke to Tony more than anything she could have said to him. Silently, he picked himself up from the couch and walked over to the trash can by the desk. He pulled out the bag while Pepper retrieved the trash from the opposite side of the room, and placed it at the stairs with the rest of the recycling and dishes. At the very least, if Pepper was nice enough to clean up his mess and turn on his music, he would assist in the cleaning part. It was one nice thing he could do. 

Pepper understood that he needed to do something nice. He helped her finish cleaning, and she pulled out her phone, looking at calendar appointments. There was a specific one she needed details from. It was for the next week. “While I’m down here Tony, I have a meeting tomorrow with some people in charge of a fundraiser for victims of natural disasters. They wanted to know if Stark Industries would like to donate anything for their silent auction. I was going to offer our typical fundraiser package, but figured I would run it by you first.” 

Tony of course agreed with her. Not just because she was the president of the company, or that their normal package was more than generous. The true reason was that, even without discussing it directly, Pepper knew that now Tony was going to attend the silent auction, inevitably in disguise, and bid exorbitant amounts of money on things he didn’t need or want. Then he’d just go give those things to the people he outbid- as thanks, in a way, for being willing to spend their money on charitable auctions. It was one of his many ways of proving to himself that he wasn’t a selfish, egotistical dirtbag like the internet said. 

Pepper gathered up the dishes she had set on the stairs. Tony grabbed the pile of small garbage bags which had been compiled into one large garbage bag. At the top of the stairs, Tony stole a little kiss on Pepper’s cheek in thanks for understanding him. Pepper blushed and pulled him towards the kitchen so she could place the dishes in the dishwasher. Or the sink, that was quicker. She was pleasantly surprised by Tony’s expression of emotion. Then again, when doesn’t that man want a woman’s attention? 

She pulled him to the kitchen with one belt loop in hand and Tony hardly waited until the dishes were safely in the confines of the sink before moving closer. He hugged her tightly and she returned the hug, looking up at his face after a second, looking for signals of either deep sadness or deep desire. The firmness of the hug, the length he rested his head on her shoulder, definitely exposed his sense of loneliness. Not on a physical level- he could keep any company he desired- but on an emotional level. He was exhausted by his isolation, and the relief of not being alone in that suffering was what drove the innocent kiss and subsequent embrace. 

When Tony finally released her, it was to ask “Pepper, would you like to go out to dinner tonight? My treat.” Pepper saw that glint in his eye, the one that said his thoughts weren’t entirely innocent, but she heard the truth in his voice: he desperately did want to enjoy a meal with her, as someone who took the time to understand and know him. He did want to enjoy a meal with her, as two people who cared for each other, and not just as a precursor to consensual adult activities. He truly did want to enjoy a meal with her. And because of that, Pepper was excited to enjoy a meal with him. Pepper was excited to enjoy a meal with him when the meal was a symbol of his love and respect for her. 

Though if Pepper were honest, she was excited for the consensual adult activities afterwards as well.


	4. Chapter 4

It was after his last bad depressive episode that Pepper insisted he see this new doctor. There was nothing wrong with the doctor per se, in fact in other circumstances, Tony might go so far as to like her, but the meds she kept giving him were not working. The first medicine they tried was effective, but Tony found himself unable to function on less than 14 hours of sleep a day but preferably 16. The second medicine… well he didn’t even like to think about that one. His anxiety was through the roof, he developed a tremor, and dissociation on the level of… well… let’s just say Tony turned his Audi down a one way street going the wrong way. 

This new med had not been the worst option, but it certainly wasn’t amazing. On his first week, everything seemed fine. Business as usual. That meant the depression wasn’t altered either. It lifted maybe slightly, but not nearly enough. 

They were titrating up on dose anyways, so week two was different. This time was sedation. It’s common for this class of medication, or so Tony has been told. Doesn’t change how awful it felt to sleep for ten hours and then be barely functional the other fourteen. But the depression went away at least. He even, for a day or two, felt GOOD. 

Now it’s week three. Tony didn’t like this much either but it was better than before. Now onto the “activating” phase, as he’d seen it referred on some forums. Supposedly things would calm down but so far he wasn’t sure. He was constantly in a state of deep, heavy, persistent boredom. There were not enough words in the English language to describe how bored Tony felt. There was nothing to do. There was nothing that would satisfy his urge to DO. Except there was plenty to do and it could only hold his attention for maybe half an hour if he was lucky. Everything felt like it took all of eternity to accomplish, but in fact it had been ten minutes. Everything inched by at a glacial pace and Tony just wanted it to be over. 

This was the dangerous part, he knew. The reason anti-depressants increased suicide risk wasn’t because they made you suicidal or because they don’t work, but rather you were given the energy to fulfill that darkness before the darkness gets lifted. He wasn’t feeling bad thoughts yet, but he knew that he would not tolerate these feelings of restlessness for too long at all and those thoughts might return. 

It was his incessant pacing that made Pepper schedule him another appointment sooner than anticipated. Apparently there was a word for this feeling- akathisia. Apparently it was a significant side effect, and didn’t seem to be going away fast enough for the doctor to feel comfortable continuing. 

Thank God, Tony couldn’t help but think. This medicine had made him so restless and unfocused that he’d rather deal with the depression and mania. This was why it was so hard to stick with medications. Tony never got the luxury of a fix-all pill that made him feel normal. He had to trade one bad experience for another, choose between the lesser of two evils, pick his poison. “Maybe this next one will work better.” The doctor explains, like all those before her. Tony didn’t hope for the best, they always said that. He had lost hope in medication at this point. 

All he wanted was to get his moods under somewhat of a control. He didn’t expect perfection anymore, but if he could at least lower the extremes, that would be amazing. Pepper had helped him stick to a schedule, and that had started to help. He got up at the same time every day, 7 days a week. He went to bed at the same time, 7 days a week. He couldn’t afford the luxury of sleeping in occasionally, because it would wreck his carefully laid out schedule for weeks to come. He couldn’t afford the luxury of staying up late occasionally, because it would mess up his bedtime the next day as well. He didn’t get the same luxuries as others, and that infuriated him. He was a billionaire. He lived a life of luxury. Yet nothing could buy him the ability to stay out late. 

Of course, he still did. He fucked up all the time. Which was why he needed the meds so badly. The schedule alone could have worked, had Tony had some semblance of self control. But when parties or alcohol are involved, he can’t help but to accept the consequences of “just as a treat, tonight.” It was easier to try to find meds. He kept telling himself, the meds are so he can do those things. The meds are so he can sleep in one day or party another. Like he said, trading one downside for another. Party with meds? Or never party again but get rid of meds? It’s a sucky choice. But he had to make it for Pepper. Or rather… let Pepper make the decision since she had to deal with the fallout, whether that be cleaning up Tony’s mess or cleaning up Tony or both. 

So Tony went to the doctor, Tony took his pills when Pepper’s alarm went off, and Tony went to bed when Pepper told him it was his bedtime. Hopefully this med would be the one.


	5. Baseline

Maybe this med was the one. Tony was amazed to even think it. He’d been skeptical. The first month was still rough. This was a last ditch effort of a medication. It wasn’t often prescribed and his doctor was hesitant. The first month was a pit of mild despair, as the medication had only half worked. Yes, it had stopped the massive ups and downs Tony had been fighting for years. But the place Tony settled at was too low. He settled down into a long depressive episode. It wasn’t bad- he wasn’t in danger- but it was certainly no way to live life forever. So they upped the dose. 

It’s a slow acting medication. It was nearly two months before Tony even began to notice a difference. But he felt the depression receding- amazing- and he felt no hints of going to high- even more amazing. 

Tony was still skeptical. He was worried these feelings wouldn’t last. How did he know it was the meds? What if he had just hit a temporary stable point? Pepper tried to reassure him. He’d been willing to be a little more open with her now that he was feeling better. It surprised her when it happened. They’d been in a car, returning home after a movie premiere. 

“These meds seem to be working for once…” Tony said quietly, looking out the window of the car, watching the buildings go by. 

Pepper looked up from her work, shocked that he would bring up emotions in any capacity without her prodding. “Oh, really? That’s good, right!” She returned her gaze to her work, worried that if she were too interested, Tony would back out of the conversation. 

“You’ve read my file, I’m sure, you know how this works. I have ups and downs. Sometimes, between the ups and downs, I’m normal. We don’t know it’s the meds. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I mean sure, my normals don’t always last this long, but at the end of the day, who knows why I’m normal.” He continued to stare out the window, left hand fidgeting with his right cuff, undoing and reclasping it. 

Pepper set her work down. The subtext was easily for her to see- he was into this conversation and wasn’t going to bow out of it yet. “Tony, when was the last time you were…” Pepper, not wanting to say ‘normal’, searched for the right word. “Baseline… for this long? Don’t take this the wrong way but you’re always in a mood episode. You’re smart- what are the chances that this would suddenly take a turn for the better at the same exact time the medication is supposed to start working? The chances are astronomical. Trust yourself, I know it’s hard, but trust yourself. Don’t live in fear of your mood episodes, we have dealt with them before and we can deal with them if they come again.” 

Tony glanced at Pepper, then looked down at his cuff where he’d been fidgeting. The real problem is that he didn’t know who he was anymore, didn’t know how to be this baseline Tony. His entire image of himself had been tainted by mood episodes for so long that he lost sight of Tony. All he had was the manic Tony who invented all this elaborate, extravagant stuff, and depressed Tony, who was full of self-loathing and trauma. He didn’t have the words to tell Pepper that. 

“Tony.” Pepper said. “Look up at me.” Reluctantly, he did. “I’m here for you. I always am, right? Through all of this. I’m here, okay. We will find an answer.” 

Tony realised he knew one thing about himself, one thing that spanned from depressed Tony to manic Tony, and even to baseline Tony. He loved Pepper. He loved everything she did for him. He knew her care spread across all of them. He didn’t have to fear losing her, as she’s already seen the worst parts of him and stayed. Even if he wasn’t sure who baseline Tony was, at least he had a start- Baseline Tony had Pepper next to him. Baseline Tony wasn’t a complete unknown. 

He looked back up at Pepper. “Thank you.” He said. He didn’t know what else would express his emotions. That was a start, and it was more than she got from manic Tony. He recalled how he ignored her in his mania, and knew that at the very least, he could strive to be better to her than manic Tony was. 

Pepper smiled, and picked her work back up, continuing to look into Tony’s eyes. She could tell the short conversation had reached its end and that Tony was satisfied. He looked back out the window, no longer fidgeting with his cufflink. Pepper went back to her work, preoccupied however with thoughts of how to surprise Tony with something little, to celebrate the progress he’d made. 

When they had returned home, she ordered a vase of flowers and some chocolates. It was silly and romantic, but she thought Tony would laugh at the cliche. 

Together, they went to bed. In the morning, Tony was woken up not by the sunny, sleeping face of Pepper as he was accustomed to, but to her returning from the door, plopping down on the bed, and shoving a heart-shaped box of chocolates into his face.


End file.
